Every time someone says what I may call a judgment, especially when it’s about me, I want to remember « at the speed of light », that it’s just a tragic way to express that something is not working for them.
Recently, I’ve been asked to mediate a conversation between two people in conflict and one of the parties said « she is not experienced enough, I don’t want her to be the mediator ».
Of course there’s some pain in me hearing those words, something engrained from old wounds around being seen, mattering, contributing, trust…
And, as I remember Marshall Rosenberg’s words about the tragic expression of what is not working, I can also connect to what this person really means, what deeply matters to them: is it that this conflict is so excruciating with high stakes for them, that they want to have full trust that they will be safe in this mediation, so that they can engage in it with hope for efficiency and to make the most out of their time…?
Trust, hope, safety and efficiency are all values that we both share as human beings, and it helps me to understand what they live..
I wish this person has expressed it like this, rather than through an evaluation of my skills, but at least, I feel way more relaxed and open hearted than if I had taken it personally and got defensive.
Instead, I asked them what could be done or said, if anything, that would make it possible for them to say yes? In an attempt to build togetherness, cocreativity of a solution that works for all parties…
And I’m not attached to any outcome, there are so many other opportunities for me to be seen and contribute…!
I shared this example to inspire you trying out translating someone’s judgments about you, into the values they may be trying to express, as painfully as they do.
To increase your capacity to translate, you may start with welcoming the impact of these judgments on you and acknowledging your own values! (Consideration, peace of mind, cooperation…?)
Please share your own situation either in comment or privately, I’d love to hear it and perhaps guide you for more clarity!